Nicholas//i dont wanna be that girl

[RONJA IRIS AMALIA]

Ronja had been stumbling for hours, or had it been days? She knew she had passed out a few times, but she couldn't have told you how long she had been out each time. She was a mess, coated in mud and blood. Her whole body ached and stung. Blood dripped from her body, Radella's name was crusted dry on her chest, a bloody tattoo that would mar her skin for such a long time. She would never be free of that name, or that face. Ronja's pride was utterly broken, she felt small and pathetic. She wanted to curl up and die. What good was she? She couldn't fight, she was stupid and useless, a dare devil with no sense. What did Nicholas ever see in her? he was such a good soul, and she was trash. He'd been right to call her a whore, sleeping with an Atra to feel alive. her every thought was poison and she wished it would kill her, strike her dead on the spot.

Finally Ronja reached the meadow in which the castle lay, and she started to cry, at least no one would attack her here. She was much safer. Walking hurt, crawling hurt, but she had to keep moving. She didn't even stop to clean herself up at the stream because she was better off a mess, and she knew if she stopped moving she would never get started again.

Ronja managed to get inside the glamour of the castle, but she was still too far off, and what would she tell the guards? She had no idea. Could they recognize her beneath the spattered blood and filth? Her whole body was screaming with deep red cuts and bruises and it was all she could do to stay upright.

Ultimately, her body collapsed and she was on the ground. Her tired eyes had lost their spark and she looked up at the sky and decided this was as good a way as any to die. She couldn't reach the castle, maybe someone would find her in time. And she drifted off into sleep, her blood and mud caked body lying in the grass.

The word RADELLA cut across her bare chest, anguish and self pity eating at her heart.


ooc- I'm not sure why Nicholas would be out, but I figured it made more sense if he came and found her like this. I'm not sure how many days should have passed, a few maybe? This would atke place after your thread with ellylon though.

[NICHOLAS SANDROSE]

Nicholas was fretting. He needed to talk with Ronja -- he needed to tell her what had happened between him and Queen Ellylon. Unfortunately, she seemed to have vanished. As one day turned into two, and two days turned into three, Nicholas’s concern grew more severe. He spoke to all her friends, urging some sort of search. But they just gave him indulgent smiles and insisted that she was off on one of her adventures. Finally, swallowing every last bit of his pride, Nicholas called on Lord Suresh. It was beyond humiliating to stand before the man, after Nicholas had made such a spectacle of himself during their last meeting. However, Lord Suresh actually listened politely, and instructed some of his servants to look for Ronja.

But they hadn’t found any trace of her. So Nicholas paced the grounds around the castle, feeling helpless, scanning the horizon with hopeful eyes. Praying that he would see Ronja jogging toward him, eager to relate the details of her latest dance with danger.

Evening had begun to creep across the land, dragging a shadowy cloak behind it, when Nicholas saw a crumbled heap lying in the grass. Was it an animal of some sort? Cautiously, Nicholas moved closer. No, not an animal...a person. Appalled, Nicholas saw the terrible cuts and bruises covering the woman’s body. And her shirt was gone. Had she been raped? “Miss?” Nicholas murmured, kneeling down in the grass. “Don’t be afraid. Help is here.”

Gently, Nicholas touched her face. And that was when he recognized Ronja. The shock ripped a cry of horror from his throat. Who could have done this to her? What sick fiend would subject her body to such torture? Apollo. They must have met up again. And, safely away from any fear of repercussions, Apollo revealed the monster that lived in his heart -- the monster that lived in the heart of all Atra. Fury made Nicholas’s eyes darken to black. He didn’t know how, but if he ever met the knight again, he’d take him apart piece by piece. He’d make him pay for doing this to Ronja.

However, no trace of anger permeated Nicholas’s movements as cradled her head in his hands. “Ronja?” he whispered, unable to keep his voice from shaking. What if she was dead? What if he’d come too late? He’d never be able to forgive himself. Despite the mud and the blood, Nicholas kissed her brow. “Can you hear me? Please Ronja...please wake up.”

[RONJA IRIS AMALIA]

Ronja felt her body being moved, and though her eyes were closed she was extremely and suddenly alert, her mind felt like it was swimming up from the depths of the swamp, she wanted to speak, she heard a male voice talking to her, but she couldn't pick out words and her felt her face furrow with frustration. And then she remembered the pain in her body and in her spirit. But who was this, and why couldn't she manage to get her eyes open? Ronja reached up a hand and grabbed whatever the first things she touched was. It turned out to be an arm, and she felt it carefully, trying to gain control over herself again. She took a big breath, shuddered and made her eyes open.

"Nicholas." The sound was like a quiet sigh and she curled her face into his chest, sobbing uncontrollably. She was so broken, in spirit and in body. All her pride and fire was gone and she just hoped she'd be able to find herself again. This sort of thing changed a person and she wanted to be herself again. Not this destroyed and tremulous creature. She wrapped her arms around him, even though it hurt and she winced as the change in position ripped ope her semi healed wounds. She cried harder with the fresh pain and refused to let go of him.

"I want that bitch dead, I want to rip her head off and parade around with it on a stick." Ronja said bitterly, her face still hidden. Oh how she loved the idea of killing Radella, nothing would give her as much pleasure, and she was sure revenge would eat at her soul until she was a pile of fury and hatred. Ronja hated the woman she saw herself becoming and she continued to cry.

"Can you get me inside? Without anyone seeing....?" She asked quietly, her voice sounded tired. Ronja couldn't bear it if anyone found her like this, but she wanted to get cleaned up, and some of her more persistent and deep wounds were probably infected, and she would have to do something about it.

She loosened her grip on him and lay back down, breathing hard from the effort of sitting up, her eyes looked up at him and she bit her lip. Oh thank god he was here. She'd never been happier in her life to see anyone.

[NICHOLAS SANDROSE]

Tears rolled unheeded down Nicholas’s cheeks. It physically hurt to see Ronja in such pain. Gently, he supported her as she sobbed, sheltering her with his body. He would have rocked her back and forth if he hadn’t been afraid of what that might do to her injuries. “Shh...” he soothed, stroking her tangled and matted hair. “It’s over. It’s alright.” What a bunch of nonsense! It wasn’t over; it would probably never be alright. But what else could he say?

Although it was muffled, Nicholas thought he heard Ronja say something about wanting to kill a bitch. Had a woman done this to her? If so, that certainly ruled out Apollo. But who? Frowning, Nicholas pushed the questions from his mind. It didn’t matter who had done it. Not right now.

"Can you get me inside? Without anyone seeing....?"

After a moment’s consideration, Nicholas shook his head. Ronja wasn’t small and he wasn’t that strong. Perhaps, if she leaned on him, he might be able to support her while she walked. But walking was the last thing she should be doing right now. She needed rest; she needed the attentions of a healer. Blood still seeped from the wounds on her body, and Nicholas could only imagine how much had already been spilled. Her injuries looked severe enough to kill a mortal...maybe even a fae.

Nicholas understood why Ronja didn’t want to be seen like this. Her proud nature made it intolerable to appear so weak, so beaten. She’d been put in a powerless position and now she wanted to assert a sense of control. Nicholas sympathized. And he knew that she’d probably hate him for what he was about to do. However, he’d rather endure her fury than her death. “I’m sorry, Ronja. But you need more help than I can give you.”

Slipping out of his jacket, Nicholas wrapped it around Ronja’s naked torso. At least he could spare her that indecency. Then he turned back toward the castle, hollering at the top of his lungs -- and Nicholas possessed a very well developed pair of lungs. “Guards! Over here! Someone is hurt!”

Soon, several men in guard uniforms arrived. No further words needed to be spoken when they saw Ronja lying in the grass. Carefully, the largest of them lifted her into his arms and began carrying her back toward the palace, while Nicholas hurried alongside, clutching Ronja’s hand with his own.

[RONJA IRIS AMALIA]

He was right really, she knew he wasn't strong enough to carry her away to a room where she could tend her own wounds. It was probably fool hardly to do that anyway. She needed someone who could sew her up and clean the infected wounds and cake off the silt. Medical attention, because this could be fatal if she wasn't careful. But she'd never felt so lost and helpless. Her proud nature hadn't left her even if her pride had.

So the fact that she needed help didn't stop her from groaning when he called over the guards.

The jacket he had put around her was warm, and it smelled like him, what a comfort that was. And she gripped his hand as the largest of the guards silently picked her up into his arms. Nicholas was her moral compass, her center now. She needed him to keep herself sane in the midst of all of this. He was going to be the one to help her get her spirit back, she knew he was the only one who would understand.

"He doesn't leave my side, do you understand?" She told them, obviously meaning Nicholas. "Get me to my room quickly please, send someone with medical training." her voice was surprisingly even and smooth. The guards wouldn't hear how emotionally destroyed she was, and she didn't want them to know. let them think she had a little mishap.

She did realize though that Radella would come to kill her in... five days from the initial attack, how many days had passed? She might be too close to the deadline. "Warn everyone to stay away from an Atra named Radella." And that was all she said.

The guards brought her to her room and she thanked them, ordering them out the door. With slow and labored steps, she got herself to her tub. Removing his jacket and her tattered pants, she got in with a sound between a sigh and a groan of pain. But she couldn't wait to be clean. She scrubbed her skin gently, removing the mud and dried blood. She looked almost worse this way. The long, wide cuts from the chain Rad had wielded covered her body and now you could read Rads name as it was etched across her chest. Ronaj tried not to show how much this really hurt. But she planned to tell Nicholas everything when she was ready.

[NICHOLAS SANDROSE]

After the guards left, Nicholas helped Ronja into the bath. Then, without a moment’s hesitation, he stripped off his own clothes and joined her. If she lost consciousness, he didn’t want her slipping beneath the water and drowning. Besides, this wasn’t the first time they’d been in this tub together...although the previous occasion had been under considerably more pleasant circumstances.

Dipping a cloth into the water, Nicholas began to wash Ronja’s back, cleansing the spots she couldn’t reach. Every time he pressed against one of her wounds, he could feel her flinch. Nicholas suspected that she was fighting back screams of pain. It ripped him apart inside -- he couldn’t stand seeing her suffer like this. But if the cuts remained dirty, she’d suffer worse. So he forced himself to continue. “Shh. Not much longer now. You’re so brave.” The words weren’t just false praise intended to bolster her spirits; Nicholas truly believed them. Anyone else would be a whimpering wreck after enduring so much. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

By now, the bath water had turned brown with blood and mud. Unidentifiable bits of gore floated on the surface. But none of that could match the horror of seeing Ronja’s abused body. As layers of muck were washed away, Nicholas could discern the true extent of her injuries. She’d been beaten. Whipped. There were deep cuts on her wrists and ankles where she’d been bound. And on her chest...Nicholas’s clenched the cloth until every last drop of water had been wrung from it, his hands trembling with barely suppressed rage. On Ronja’s chest, someone had carved the word: Radella.

Nicholas couldn’t take it anymore. Dropping the cloth, he wrapped his arms around Ronja, nuzzling his cheek against hers. Even though they were both naked, there was nothing sexual about the embrace. He just needed to hold her. He just needed to reassure himself that she was safe from the harm that had been done to her. “Oh Ronja. I’m so glad you came back to me. We’ll get through this together -- I swear.”

He didn’t press her for details about what had happened. For the moment, she just needed to get her strength back. When the time was right, when Ronja felt ready, Nicholas trusted her to tell him the whole story.

[RONJA IRIS AMALIA]

When Nicholas called her brave she wanted to sob. Brave? She felt stupid and silly, she'd never felt so low in all her life. Ronja used to think she was powerful and bold, but she realized now she was just fool hardy and a glutton for punishment. She deserved this, to be put in her place by a baby Atra. And Nicholas's genuine compliment killed her inside, was she really brave? how could anyone think anything positive of her after she had fallen like this?

And after what felt like a long while, the dried blood and mud was no longer caked to her skin, instead it floated around them. She felt raw, and pale, exposed and dim. Ronja was no longer proud, she wanted to crawl into a hole, where only Nicholas could see her. Maybe she'd just become a solitary fae, wander around. Stay out of this mess... But oh how she wanted the Atra dead, especially Radella, she wanted to rip that woman limb from limb and burn the pieces. She bit her lip lightly and began to tremble, and that'd when Nicholas took a hold of her.

And she wrapped her arms around him, as tightly as her injuries would allow. To her surprise, there wasn't even a sexual tension to it. It didn't matter that they were naked at all. Maybe it was because she was a wreck, maybe it was because she suddenly didn't want love the way she always had. Pain was not something she wanted to feel again for a long time. But she did not love Nicholas, she needed him this way, a loyal friend, Forever. She had decided as much before, but she knew for certain now. The love that swelled in her heart at this moment was not romantic.

"I thought I was going to die," Ronja breathed, laying her head gently to his shoulder, not having the energy to hold it up. "How many days have I been gone? She said I had five days to tell everyone to be afraid of her or she would come back to kill me. Thats the only reason I'm alive, I told her I was better for her reputation alive rather than dead." Ronja was cold, maybe it was because the water was cool, and her heart was empty and sad. It didn't matter, but she snuggled closer to Nicholas, feeling every contour of his body. All she wanted was warmth. His heartbeat was comforting.

"I can't believe it, why didn't anyone tell me I was a proud, arrogant, fool hardy glutton for punishment? How can everyone tell me I'm strong, or brave, I'm pathetic. I'm 180, and I just got my ass kicked by a girl who was about a third of my age. At least I hurt her, but not nearly what she did to me... the smoke, the chains, the vines, that knife...." Ronja broke off and started to sob. Her pride was totally dissolved, she felt lower than dirt. Her almost regal air was shot to pieces, she couldn't find herself anymore, all she could find in her heart was fear. She clung even tighter to him, fearing that if she let go he would disappear--or that she would collapse.

[NICHOLAS SANDROSE]

"How many days have I been gone?”

“Three,” Nicholas answered softly. God! God, it was awful to think of Ronja suffering like this for a minute, much less three days. “I’ve been so worried. When I couldn’t think of anything else to do, I even visited Lord Suresh. I asked him to send out a search party. He did, but they couldn’t find a single trace, and I wanted to go look for you myself, but I knew I’d just get lost in the swamp...” Nicholas bowed his head forward, resting his brow lightly against Ronja’s. “I should have gone. I should have rescued you.”

Was this his fault? Had she gone into the swamp to think about what they’d discussed at the peace ceremony? He should have been with her! If he’d been there, he could have rushed to her defense -- at the very least, he could have dissuaded her from doing anything too risky. But he’d been busy making love to Queen Ellylon, while Ronja was captured and tortured.

Nicholas wished that he could squeeze Ronja tighter, or rub her shoulders, or even kiss her breasts -- anything to give her a moment’s relief from the hell she’d been through. But right now, those things would cause more pain than comfort. So Nicholas just maintained his loose embrace while the words poured from her in streams of misery and anger. There were many things he wanted to comment on or argue with. However, he knew that beginning to speak about her experience was important, so he didn’t interrupt. He listened in attentive silence until the words ran out, and Ronja began to sob again.

“Oh Ronja. My dearest, dearest Ronja...” Tenderly, Nicholas brushed back a strand of dark hair that had fallen across her face. “You are brave. You are strong. I would have gone to pieces if I’d endured half of what you did. But you fought back. You kept your wits about you. You thought of a way to get back here alive.”

Belatedly, Nicholas realized that the bath water had grown rather cool. Ronja needed to be kept warm. Gently, he lifted her out of the tub, and patted her dry with a soft towel. Then he helped her into the bedroom. Many of her cuts were still bleeding -- some even more than before, since they were no longer clogged with filth. But Nicholas was in no mood to worry about getting her sheets a little dirty. Tugging back the covers, he eased Ronja onto the mattress, and placed a pillow under her head. Then he pulled the blankets back over her body.

“You’re safe now,” he promised, kneeling beside the bed. “The bitch who did this wouldn’t dare come into the palace. And if she does, I’ll rip her apart myself.” Nicholas had never killed anyone. Other than the incident with his father, he’d never even struck another person. But there was no doubting the grim conviction in his voice.

[RONJA IRIS AMALIA]

She couldn't even respond to his praise, not at all. She was just a blubbering wreck and she tried to hold the tears and heavy breathing back but it only make her choke--which only made the sobs more gut wrenching and loud. Ronja held onto him as he helped her out and dried her off, she was too tired to even attempt to do it herself. His touch was warm and stronger than she remembered and part of her heart wished he could still be hers, but something was different about him, and there was no lust between them.

It was better that way.

But right now she wished she had a lover to storm in depressed and vengeful, someone to kiss her and hold her. Nicholas was doing all those things, and she couldn't think of a better person to do them. But it didn't change the fact that she felt alone all of a sudden. And she nearly dissolved once she was in bed. It was so comfortable, but she was afraid to sleep. What if she never woke up?

"She would dare Nicholas, and you can never go after her. She came so close to killing me, and I can endure much more than you can." Ronja said looking at him with soft eyes, reaching out to grab his hand in a vice like grip. It was amazing she had any strength for that at all, it even surprised her. "Youmust not go after her, because she will kill you, and I know you will die someday, but please.... if I lose you a second before nature takes you...." She closed her eyes as if this idea hurt more than anything happening to her body and tears rushed down her face soundlessly and she looked up at him again.

"You are the only real friend I have ever had, you can't leave me." Ronja finished quietly.

[NICHOLAS SANDROSE]

Nicholas felt deeply touched by Ronja’s plea. How could she worry about his safety at a time like this, when she herself was in such pain? It was a true sign of the bond which had formed between them. Gently, Nicholas squeezed her hand, and then raised it to his lips for an affectionate kiss. “You’re my only real friend, too. And I’m not going anywhere while you still need me. I’ll be right here -- helping you eat, and making sure you take your medicine, and playing card games with you to pass the time. If you have nightmares, I’ll hold you until you can sleep again.”

But once Ronja had recovered, the person who did this to her was going to die. Slowly. Nicholas knew it wouldn’t be easy -- he was mortal, and even a weak fae could knock him on his ass. He didn’t have time to learn combat. So what could he do? Sing them to death? Thinking about it, Nicholas frowned. Maybe there was some way he could turn being mortal to his advantage. He knew things about the mortal world which were unfamiliar to most fae...he knew about weapons that most of their kind had never seen.

Before Nicholas could pursue that line of thought any further, he heard the door open, and Ronja’s maid ushered a healer into the bedroom. She tall, with almost shockingly red hair -- upon entering, she swept her surroundings with an appraising gaze. When her eyes lit on Nicholas, her brows lifted, and Nicholas abruptly remembered that he was still naked. But he just glowered at her, daring her to make something of it. Wisely, she decided not to.

“My name is Pepper,” she announced, setting her bag down on the floor beside Ronja’s bed. “May I have a look at your injuries?”